Eulogy - Part 4

Relationships
Peter said his father once told him not to worry too much about girls, as, like buses, if you miss out on one there will always be another along in a short time!!

I know Peter enjoyed many short and longer term relationships from his teenage years onwards and I say “good luck to you Peter”. It is, therefore, important to mention that Peter married Gabriella C in 1976 and they were divorced in 1980. After which he remained in Bondi, travelled overseas and met Gitte S, living with her in Salzburg. We caught up with Gitte in 2005 and I could see why she and Peter had hit it off.



He did not “settle down” again until some years later when we met.

Our 16 years together
Peter and I met in 1987 at a job interview, when he was the head social worker for DSS in NSW and also the President of the AASW. So it was a bit daunting to meet him, but for other reasons, I gave probably the worst interview of my career. Hence I didn't get the job. But when Peter contacted me to give me feedback he said: “Well you know you didn't get the job don't you because you “effed” up the interview?” Of course he was right, but after that he gave very constructive and honest feedback.

Photo: Peter and Gabriella









The next time we spoke, was in 1993, when he rang me to ask me whether I would consider taking on the role of Treasurer for the Australian Association of Social Workers in NSW, of which he was still the President and I was a member. After meeting and speaking with him a couple of times about the request, I declined on the grounds that I didn't need more work, but more personal balance in my life. Whereupon, to my surprise, he asked me out the following weekend! I have to say I did hesitate......But we took a chance and went out for lunch, to the movies and spent the afternoon at Darling Harbour in and around the Japanese Garden.

Photo: Peter August 1993

So our relationship dates from then – 31 July 1993. The first year or so were filled with challenges as we came to understand the differences in our family, cultural and religious experiences and yet we had such similar views on so many important areas of life and work. We both learnt more about each other over the years and I know we both came to appreciate the areas of difference, the expertise of the other and were grateful that we had each other. In this case opposites attracted and then continued to add “colour and movement” as we gently grew together after the initial turmoil, and understood each other more. I know we both were very intrigued and amazed by those personal and historical differences but we both valued them in the other all the more for being different to our own experience.

It was when we went to Europe travelling together for the first time in 1996, that it all suddenly clicked into place for me that Peter seemed to fit so easily into Austrian and Hungarian life. That, in fact, he was so Australian and yet so European at the same time and ultimately neither one nor the other, but both, which I have subsequently seen with other friends who are first generation refugees or migrants. From then on I certainly understood him much more and we became closer as a result.

Our time together was spent largely in working and when we had a break, in long holidays, camping around Europe in a tiny 2 person tent. We shared similar values about travelling, namely that to spend a long time away, accommodation didn't need to be luxurious. So, we spent many months in our 2 person dome tent, with a small folding table and 2 chairs, a gas burner and a car. When that wasn't possible we sometimes found ourselves in very basic youth hostels and ,only occasionally, in 1 or 2 star motels when the weather was very bleak or there was no camping ground nearby.

During those sojourns, we met some of the best people with whom we have remained in contact and become good friends. This was usually because Peter would do a “reccy” around the campsite while I was finalising the set-up and he would report back to me about who was whom. His maxim about people was: “I find them, you keep them!”

I was also the chief navigator and decided on where we would go after extensive reading, while Peter was the designated driver, linguist and food finder. His excellent knowledge of German, Hungarian, very passable French and Italian meant that we both enjoyed a much more rich and personal experience of those countries together than would have otherwise been possible. We spent some very positive times with distant relatives in Budapest, which would have been closed to me without Peter. He would arm me with a few phrases and send me off to see if there was a campsite, room or food available – often with less than optimal results – but he was right to push me. He often had to rescue the situation, especially in Hungary or where more complex bureaucratic situations arose. These trips became the times where we really “lived” and spent such great times together.

Peter's diagnosis of Oesophageal Cancer in February 2004 shook us both to our core. His subsequent surgery, chemotherapy and radiotherapy and various conditions was hugely stressful and distressing to both of us but, especially Peter, as you can imagine. I was more used to the medical system and realised early on that he would need me to help navigate through the murky waters.

We did manage to have another long European trip in 2005, with him returning to work on a part time basis up to May 2006. However, further recurrences and other medical problems started to dog him again from 2006 onwards.

Peter spent every spare minute, he was feeling able to do so, in finalising his personal issues from the moment he received his diagnosis. He reached out even more to distant relatives overseas to finish what he could of his genealogical records. This became hugely rewarding as the internet connected him with more and more people. Some of these were the children of people who had actually known his parents in Budapest. Their parents were able to give Peter information about his parents which was new and filled out what little he knew about their lives.

Photo: Peter's 60th birthday, January 2009. He didn't think he would make it to 60, so this was very special.

But, over time, Peter's quality of life gradually contracted to needing more and more personal assistance. I left work in May 2008 to be, well and truly, his “help-meet” and to effectively, and literally, be his right hand, given his right arm had become paralysed. However, it is important you should know that he remained physically as independent as possible right up to the time he was hospitalised in late July and his mind and determination to live never dimmed.

He always had a great fear of being incapacitated and he hated that his body was gradually failing him in a “death by a thousand cuts” scenario. He always said that the great irony of his situation was that all the things which he valued and which defined him as a person were the very things which were taken away from him in these last couple of years. Such things as his voice and his skills as a great communicator, his love of writing, his passion for good food and his independence were all stripped away.

He came to rely on me more as days passed and I was happy to help and nurse him through.

An unexpectedly joyful time was our wedding on Sunday 5 July this year at our home in Canberra, which was scheduled between chemotherapy. It was something which we had never really felt necessary, but which earlier this year, I considered would be a fitting thing to do to formally join our families together so that records would note that we were important to each other. Otherwise, who would know? It caused some moments of angst for both of us, raising issues long dormant, but in the end it was a beautiful and very significant day with a few people to help us celebrate.

The last few weeks we spent together, Peter was in the hospice and they were hard work for him as he was battling to stay with me. But there were moments of sheer joy and delight on occasion too, when just for a small time, we could hold hands, enjoy a shared joke or Peter's ascerbic humour would rise to the fore; watch movies and share moments with good friends or each other.

I know that this illness was so very cruel and Peter felt robbed of 15 or 20 years more of life. However, I can also say that it made us stop and realise that devoting yourself to work and not taking time to be with people you care about or things that matter to you, is foolish. He said lately: “I wish I had spent more time with you and less on work. What a fool I have been, what lost opportunities I missed.” However, I did not lambast him about that regret, but said: “We were doing what was important to us at the time Peter, when we took our health and our lives for granted.”

We certainly ended up spending more time with each other, were brought closer together than ever before and the love and care we had for each other was strengthened many times over in these last few months. I think he was, also, sometimes surprised at the caring of his friends and some of the people he met on this long road. He said he was glad we were together as we had gathered some lovely friends and sometimes it was the people you least expected.

Photo: Peter and one of our many friends, Stephen, visiting at our home, 2009. Peter's T Shirt caption reads: "I'm not insensitive I just don't give a crap" (no reference to Stephen).

Our relationship was a case of opposites attracting but some of our passions rubbed off on each other. I learned a lot from Peter, from big, strategic issues down to the smaller and more personal things in life. He taught me how to cook properly with Paprika, the sheer joy of a well cooked meal and how to analyse the ingredients and method of preparation; how to cook a few Hungarian dishes; about computers and how to maximise their value, how to be a better public servant and manager, how to protect yourself at work and maximise your outcomes; the value of project management, the crucial need to write everything down to “cover your arse” as he put it; swear words in several different languages; that the accent and body language is as important as what you say in whatever language; that you should have the courage of your convictions; that it is important to have a view and to provoke discussion; that you can never stop learning; that there is value in science fiction; that 1930's jazz is enjoyable; old movies remain fascinating no matter how many times you see the same one; that being part of a family and having them close by is a gift especially to those who don't have one; that knowing who you are and where you came from is crucial; not to take anything for granted; to recognise when the rainy day has finally arrived. And much, much more.....

Photo: A great day! He made it to my birthday 1 week before passing away. This is what 2 months of pneumonia and chemotherapy had done to him, but he was so good on this day: 12 September 2009.

I would just like to close this by saying Peter was a special person, but for all that, he was also very human. I often told him he was the most annoying person in the known universe at times and much more besides, and he agreed! But equally, he reminded me, so could I be. However, we loved each other, grew together more over time, respected the worth of each other and were the better because we have been together.

I only wish we had met earlier and been together longer. I salute you Peter. You will never be forgotten by me while ever I have a breath to take. Go gently, my love, into that dark night I will always remember, love and cherish you.
Leanne

Photo:Farewell 19 September 2009